You’ve made the decision—you want to become a surrogate. But now comes the part that might feel even more daunting than pregnancy itself: talking to your family about surrogacy. Whether you’re worried about your spouse’s reaction, concerned about explaining it to your kids, or dreading potential pushback from extended family, you’re not alone in feeling nervous about these conversations.
If you want to talk someone for advice or to a surrogacy specialist, we can connect you.
The truth is, family conversations about surrogacy can range from immediately supportive to initially challenging, but they’re absolutely essential. Your family’s support will make your surrogacy journey significantly easier and more positive. With the right approach, timing, and information, you can help your loved ones understand your decision and even become your biggest cheerleaders throughout the process.
“I Don’t Know Where to Start”
Starting the conversation is often the hardest part. You might be thinking, “How do I even bring this up?” or “When is the right time to talk about something this big?” Here’s the thing—there’s no perfect moment, but there are definitely better approaches than others.
Here is a step-by-step guide on how to start this conversation:
- Timing Matters! Choose a time when you can have everyone’s full attention without distractions. Avoid stressful periods (like right before holidays or during family crises) and don’t spring it on people when they’re rushing out the door. Weekend mornings or quiet evenings often work well for deeper conversations.
- Start with the people closest to you first—typically your spouse or partner. Once you have their support, you can approach other family members together. This united front helps demonstrate that you’ve thought this through carefully and aren’t making an impulsive decision.
- Now, you can say something like: “I’ve been thinking about something really meaningful that I’d love to talk with you about. I’m considering becoming a surrogate to help a family who can’t have children on their own.” This frames the conversation positively and immediately explains your motivation.
Don’t dump all the information at once. Start with the basics and let them ask questions. They might initially be surprised, so give them time to process before diving into details about what it’s like to be a surrogate mother.
How to Talk to Your Partner About Surrogacy
Your partner’s support is crucial since they’ll be directly affected by your decision. Discussing surrogacy with your spouse requires honesty, patience, and a willingness to address their concerns thoroughly.
Your partner might worry about:
- How pregnancy will affect your health and energy
- The time commitment and impact on family life
- Financial implications and medical costs
- Emotional attachment and saying goodbye to the baby
- Legal protections and potential complications
Come prepared with facts. Explain that all medical expenses are covered by intended parents, that Illinois has strong legal protections for surrogates, and that you’ll have professional support throughout the process.
Building Unity Through Your Decision
Frame this as something you want to do together, not something you’re doing despite their concerns. Emphasize how this reflects your shared values about helping others and the strength of your family. Many couples find that the surrogacy experience actually brings them closer together.
Give Them Time to Process
Your partner might need time to warm up to the idea, and that’s perfectly normal. Don’t pressure them for an immediate yes. Instead, suggest they join you for an informational meeting with an agency or read about the pros and cons of becoming a surrogate mother so they can make an informed decision alongside you.
Explaining Surrogacy to Your Kids
Kids are often more adaptable than adults when it comes to understanding surrogacy, but they still need age-appropriate explanations and reassurance about how this affects your family.
Age-Appropriate Explanations
- Young children (3-7): “Mommy is going to help another family have a baby because their bodies need help growing babies. The baby will go home with their mommy and daddy when they’re born.”
- School-age (8-12): “Some families can’t have babies in their own bellies, so I’m going to carry a baby for them. It’s like being a special helper for families who really want children.”
- Teenagers: You can explain the medical aspects more thoroughly and discuss the emotional and financial aspects honestly.
Explaining surrogacy to your children provides detailed strategies for these conversations and helps you prepare for the questions kids typically ask.
Handling Reactions from Your Extended Family
Extended family reactions can be the most unpredictable part of this process. Parents, siblings, and in-laws might have strong opinions—both positive and negative—about your decision.
Managing Different Opinions and Concerns
Older family members might have outdated ideas about surrogacy or worry about exploitation. Siblings might question your motivations or worry about risks. In-laws might wonder how this affects their grandchildren.
Strategies for Extended Family Conversations:
- Share educational resources about modern surrogacy
- Explain Illinois’s strong legal protections for surrogates
- Emphasize the thorough screening and support process
- Address financial concerns by explaining that intended parents cover all costs
- Invite them to ask questions rather than making assumptions
Talking to your parents about surrogacy and discussing it with extended family offer specific guidance for these conversations.
What to Do When Your Family is Unsupportive
Not every family member will immediately support your decision, and that’s disappointing but not uncommon. Here’s how to handle ongoing resistance while protecting your emotional well-being.
Identifying Family Allies
Focus on the family members who are supportive or open-minded. These allies can help advocate for you with more resistant family members and provide the emotional support you need.
If immediate family isn’t supportive, consider:
- Connecting with other surrogate families who understand your experience
- Working with an agency that provides emotional support throughout the process
- Building relationships with the intended parents’ supportive family members
- Joining online communities of surrogates who’ve faced similar challenges
Sometimes family members just need more information to feel comfortable. Share reputable websites, offer to let them attend an informational meeting with your agency, or connect them with other families who’ve had positive surrogacy experiences.
Building your surrogate support system helps you create the network you need, whether or not immediate family is initially supportive.
Common Questions and How to Answer Them
Preparing for typical questions helps you feel more confident in family conversations. Here are the most common concerns and thoughtful responses:
“Are you doing this for the money?” “The compensation is meaningful, but it’s not the primary reason. I want to help a family who can’t have children experience the joy of parenthood. The financial aspect helps support our family while I’m helping theirs.”
“What if something goes wrong?” “Illinois has excellent medical care and strong legal protections for surrogates. I’ll have comprehensive medical coverage and professional support throughout the process. Understanding the medical process shows how thoroughly everything is managed.”
“Won’t it be hard to give up the baby?” “This baby was never intended to be part of our family. From the beginning, I’m carrying someone else’s child to help them become parents. The joy comes from completing their family, not from keeping the baby.”
“How do we know these people are good parents?” “The screening process for intended parents is thorough, and I’ll be involved in choosing who I work with. Learning about intended parents helps ensure we’re all compatible.”
Answering others’ questions about surrogacy provides even more guidance for handling curious or concerned family members.
Are You Ready to Take the Next Steps?
Having these family conversations takes courage, but they’re an essential part of your surrogacy journey. Remember, not everyone will understand your decision immediately, and that’s okay. What matters is that you’ve thoughtfully considered this choice and are prepared to move forward with or without universal family support.
We are here for you! Whether your family is immediately supportive or needs time to come around, you don’t have to navigate these conversations or your surrogacy journey alone. Professional support, online communities, and experienced agencies can provide the guidance and encouragement you need.
Have more questions about family conversations or surrogacy in Illinois? We can connect you to a specialist.