You’ve done your research, you feel called to help a family, and you’re ready to become a surrogate in Virginia. But there’s one big conversation ahead, talking to your family about surrogacy. Whether it’s your spouse, kids, parents, or in-laws, you’re probably wondering how to explain this incredible decision and address their concerns.
The truth is, family reactions can be unpredictable. Some will celebrate your generosity immediately, while others might need time to understand. But with the right approach, you can help them see what you already know: surrogacy is a beautiful way to help create families while being fully supported throughout the journey.
If you need support talking to your family, we can connect you to a specialist.
5 Tips for Talking to Your Family About Surrogacy in Virginia
- Choose the right time and place. Timing matters more than you might think! Don’t bring up surrogacy during stressful moments or family gatherings where everyone’s attention is divided. Instead, choose a quiet moment when you can have their full attention, maybe over coffee with your mom or during a peaceful evening walk with your spouse.
- Start with your why. Before diving into logistics, explaining your surrogate decision begins with the heart. Share what drew you to surrogacy; was it meeting someone struggling with infertility? The joy you felt during your own pregnancies? Your desire to help create families? When family members understand your motivation, they’re more likely to support your choice.
- Come prepared with facts and address safety concerns. Family reactions to surrogacy can vary, but usually centers around worry about your health and safety. Come armed with facts about modern surrogacy’s safety record, the medical support you’ll receive, and how surrogate mother requirements ensure you’re a good candidate for a healthy pregnancy.
- Emphasize the legal protections. Many family members worry about legal complications. Explain how Virginia’s supportive surrogacy laws protect surrogates, and how working with an agency provides additional safeguards.
- Be patient. Remember, you’ve had weeks or months to research and process this decision. Your family is hearing it for the first time! Give them space to ask questions, express concerns, and come to terms with your choice. Sometimes the most skeptical family members become your biggest supporters once they understand the process.
How to Get Your Partner on the Same Page
Talking to your spouse about surrogacy is arguably your most important conversation. Your partner’s support will carry you through the entire journey, so it’s crucial to approach this thoughtfully.
Start by acknowledging that surrogacy affects both of you. Your spouse will watch you go through medications, appointments, and pregnancy—they need to feel heard and included in this decision. Share why this matters to you, but also ask what concerns they have.
Common partner concerns include:
- Time away from your own family for appointments and recovery
- Emotional challenges of carrying someone else’s child
- Physical demands of pregnancy and childbirth
- Financial implications and compensation questions
Address each concern honestly. Explain how surrogacy support systems help couples navigate this journey together, and consider attending information sessions together so they can ask questions directly to professionals.
Explaining Surrogacy to Your Kids
Explaining surrogacy to kids depends heavily on their ages, but honesty (at an age-appropriate level) is always best. Kids are more intuitive than we give them credit for, they’ll sense something big is happening anyway.
- For younger children (ages 4-8): “Mommy is going to help another family have a baby. Some mommies and daddies can’t grow babies in their tummies, so I’m going to help by carrying their baby for them. When the baby is born, it will go home with its real mommy and daddy.”
- For older children (ages 9+): You can provide more detail about fertility challenges, the medical process, and why this matters to you. Emphasize that this baby isn’t their sibling—you’re just helping it grow safely until it can go to its real parents.
Resources for explaining surrogacy to children include age-appropriate books and conversation guides that make these discussions easier. The Kangaroo Pouch: A Story About Surrogacy for Young Children by Sarah Phillips is a great resource for surrogates to help give children a perspective on surrogacy.
How to Handle Extended Family Reactions
Extended family conversations can be trickier because you have less control over the setting and less influence over their opinions. Surrogacy family concerns in Virginia often come from misconceptions about the process or outdated information.
- For Parents and In-Laws: They’re likely worried about your safety and your family’s wellbeing. Acknowledge their concerns—they come from love—but explain how modern surrogacy includes extensive medical care and legal protections. Share information about what it’s really like to be a surrogate so they understand this isn’t a risky decision you’re making lightly.
- For Siblings: Often siblings worry about judgment from others or how this reflects on the family. Reassure them that surrogacy is increasingly accepted and respected. Many find it helpful to learn about successful surrogacy stories from other families.
5 Common Surrogacy Questions and How to Answer Them
- “Isn’t this dangerous?” “Modern surrogacy has excellent safety records. I’ll have enhanced medical care throughout pregnancy, including regular monitoring and access to top maternal care in Virginia.”
- “What if you get attached to the baby?” “I understand this concern, but surrogacy is different from my own pregnancies. This baby isn’t genetically mine, and from day one, I’m focused on helping its parents meet their child.”
- “Are you just doing this for money?” “Compensation is part of surrogacy, but it’s not my main motivation. I want to help create families, and being fairly compensated for this commitment makes it possible for me to do so.”
- “What about your own children?” “My kids will be involved age-appropriately, and this experience can teach them about helping others. I’m also setting up better financial security for our family.”
- “What if something goes wrong legally?” “Virginia has strong surrogacy laws, and working with an agency provides additional legal protections. Everything is carefully documented and legally sound.”
What if My Family is Unsupportive?
Family objections to surrogacy in Virginia can be disappointing, but they don’t have to derail your plans. While this is ultimately your decision to make, it is still necessary to have a strong support system behind you. Here’s how to handle ongoing opposition:
- Step 1: Give them time! Don’t expect immediate acceptance. Share educational resources and give family members space to process. Sometimes initial shock gives way to understanding.
- Step 2: Set boundaries. If someone becomes persistently negative, it’s okay to limit discussions about your surrogacy journey with them. You don’t need everyone’s approval to pursue this path.
- Step 3: Find your allies. Identify family members who support your decision and lean on them. Having even one or two strong supporters in your family can make a huge difference.
- Step 4: Connect with other surrogate families. Your surrogate support system extends beyond family. Connect with other surrogates who’ve navigated similar family dynamics.
Building Your Support Network
Of course, getting your family’s support is ideal, but it’s not always possible immediately. Focus on building a strong network that includes:
- Family allies who understand and support your choice
- Friends who celebrate your generosity
- Other surrogate mothers who’ve walked this path
- Professional support through your chosen agency
- Medical team members who become part of your extended support system
Remember, some family members who are initially unsure may become your biggest champions once they see how well-supported and happy you are throughout the process.
Resources to Share With Your Family
Sometimes family members need professional guidance to feel truly comfortable with your decision. This is where connecting with a reputable surrogacy agency becomes invaluable; not just for you, but for your entire family.
How Agencies Support Your Family
A quality surrogacy agency understands that surrogate family support in Virginia extends beyond just the surrogate herself. They often provide:
- Educational materials specifically designed for family members
- Information sessions where your spouse and family can ask questions directly to professionals
- Family counseling resources to help everyone navigate the emotional aspects
- Ongoing support throughout your journey for both you and your loved ones
Agencies provide comprehensive, accurate information tailored to your specific situation. They can address your family’s unique concerns and provide reassurance from experienced professionals.
The key is providing your family with access to professional support and accurate information, rather than leaving them to navigate their concerns alone. A good agency becomes an extension of your support system, helping your entire family feel confident in your decision.
If you feel ready to talk to a specialist and get professional guidance for your surrogacy journey and guidance on family conversations, we can connect you.